Late night words

3:19 AM

Today I was looking through some photos on my laptop when I came across some 'progress shots' I took at the beginning of 2015. My first thought was Holy Moly I was fit!! My second thought was Jeez I'd better get back to the hot room. My third thought was right, I'm going to bed now and getting up early to go for a run! My point is, it made me feel bad about myself and where I'm at right now. But then I got thinking - like proper rational thinking. I cast my mind back to 2 years ago when these photos were taken. I had just gone through a breakup and I reckon 'revenge body' motivation was in full swing. I didn't know who I was yet and maybe I thought that getting my dream body would be the answer. I remember looking at these photos and thinking how good is it going to be to look back at these and see how far I've come. And maybe that doesn't sound all that negative, but thinking back, I wasn't happy. I could see all the imperfections in those pictures and all I wanted was to loose the fat I saw. Don't get me wrong, I was really healthy, I was eating well and working out but it was all for the wrong reasons. I think what I'm trying to say is getting your dream body isn't going to make you happy

I've put on a little weight since then, yes. But I'm happy in all the other areas of my life so I'm not compensating anymore. I'm healthy, I workout, I eat well, just in moderation. I never drank alcohol back then (sorry metabolism), I never treated myself to yummy vegan slices (sorry not sorry), I spent all my time going to yoga, running, taking progress shots thinking it would make me happy and it didn't. I'm going to take inspiration from myself now, knowing that it is possible for me to be as fit and healthy again as I was, but the intention is what makes all the difference.

So anyway, it's been a while since I've posted on here (nearly a year!) and I suddenly felt like getting this all out my brain and into words. I think I'll sleep better now. And maybe I will go for that run tomorrow morning, but it will be because I love my body.

xx Courtney

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